Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Toxic People

The other day I went to my favorite board, The Denim Jumper, with a problem I have been dealing with for a very long time. (I just love them ladies!) And just like always they were there with love, support, advice and answers. I had never heard of "Toxic People" before I poured my heart out. Boy, I wish I had knew what I know now long ago. I know it will take me a while to be able to get Rid of the toxic people in my life, but at least now I know what direction to go. I'm going to tell a little about my "Toxic People" from my stand point and a little from what I have learn in the last few days. I'm also going to buy a few books I think will really help me get totally rid of these people in my life and STOP letting people run over me. Me being so soft hearted opens the door for these type people and makes my life so miserable. I can still be soft & kind hearted, but don't let these type of people run over me. Thanks to my dear friends at the DJ, I'm now headed in the right direction.

Here is my story of the Toxic People in my life..... (After learning of toxic people I found I have more than one)

#1- I have one lady in my life I wish would just disappear! REALLY! I have often felt bad to feel that way. I 'm not really sure of the why I felt bad, maybe because I was raised that way or just because I'm not an evil person like her. (I think it's both) I have no idea why this lady started preying on me about 9 years ago. I didn't even know her. I have asked myself over and over why I can't get rid of her. Since I know that she is a toxic person I think she is a part of my learning process. No matter how hard I try to be nice she always finds a way to make me look bad, never cares about my feelings, and on and on and on! It was bad enough of how I got to know her, but when I thought I was rid of her here she pops up again. Her and my husband had an affair. That wasn't good enough for her. She tried to take everything I had. I didn't care about the trailer, but I be damn if she was going to get my new house that was being built(for my kids to have a decent place) and HELL NO!, she wasn't going to turn my kids on me or take them away. Heck, she don't even take all that good care of her own what makes her or anyone else think she is going to take mine! (You mess with my kids and you are in for a fight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Well, when I thought she was gone for good I got a phone call from my MIL asking me if it was okay if she came to the family reunion on my hubby's side. My MIL told me if I said no she would understand, but if I said no that we couldn't see my husband's oldest brother or kids. So, because we could see the kids I said yes. Well, this women has made damn sure I have a hard time seeing my niece and nephews. Just me saying yes that one time has made my life hell most of the time for the past 4-5 years. I had took it, cried over it and whatever else a good person could do till the other night. I let my whole heart out to my dear friends on TDJ and that's when I learned about toxic people and I don't have to have them in my life because it is very unhealthy to me and my kids. I'm not going to say I'm sorry to her any more. Matter fact, Just me trying to do the right thing makes me so miserable and I take my hurts and frustrations out on the wrong people, but know I'm learning how to deal with this I will be okay!
#2- I have a niece that is toxic to me. I love her and I have tried doing the tough love, but because of other family members I give in. I guess you can say if I really love her and keep my sanity I've got to stick to the tough love and say no, no matter if other family gets mad. OH, Well! I'm not doing my kids right by teaching them to allow people to run over you or my self any good either.
#3- I have one person in my life I'm not sure if you would call them toxic or not. My friends at the DJ know who and what I'm talking about. I guess I need to deal with the main 2 who make me so miserable and let some of the smoke clear before I really know if this person needs to be a part of my life or not. I'm hoping once we get rid of the other 2 that the other one will clean up. That's all I know what to say about this person at this time without reveling who they are. I guess time will tell and the more I learn about toxic people the more I will know.
Here is a few things I learned from the web..........
Toxic Relationships: The People Some relationships constantly drain your energy, in both obvious and subtle ways. Several types of people will exhaust you or deter you from your path to living a fulfilled life. Life coach Cheryl Richardson describes six types of toxic qualities in people. The Blamer This person likes to hear his own voice. He constantly complains about what isn't working in his life and yet gets energy from complaining and dumping his frustrations on you. The Drainer This is the needy person who calls to ask for your guidance, support, information, advice or whatever she needs to feel better in the moment. Because of her neediness, the conversation often revolves around her, and you can almost feel the life being sucked out of you during the conversation. The Shamer This person can be hazardous to your health. The shamer may cut you off, put you down, reprimand you, or make fun of your or your ideas in front of others. He often ignores your boundaries and may try to convince you that his criticism is for you own good. The shamer is the kind of person who makes you question your own sanity before his. The Discounter This is the person who discounts or challenges everything you say. Often, she has a strong need to be right and can find fault with any position. It can be exhausting to have a conversation with the discounter, so eventually you end up giving in and deciding to just listen. The Gossip This person avoids intimacy by talking about other behind their backs. The gossip gets energy from relaying stories, opinions, and the latest "scoop." By gossiping about others, he creates a lack of safety in his relationships, whether he realizes it or not. After all, if he'll talk about someone else, he'll talk about you.
Later on I will post an update on how things are going and a few tips to help others deal with toxic people.


Holly said...

You go! Good luck and I'm looking forward to your updates and tips.

Katherine said...

GOOD FOR YOU GIRL! You tell those bitches to just, "Suck my dick!" as Roseanne Barr so eloquently put it.

If your husband doesn't shape up you should ship him out. If he chooses that bitch over you, even in tiny subtle ways, you should kick his ass to the curb.

Hope this doesn't blow you G rating. : ) But Goddamn, enough is enough!

Watch yourself carefully because you are teaching your daughter how she should expect folks to treat her. She will follow your example in ways she won't even realise. Choose for yourself the life and relationships you want for her. kwim?

kitten said...

Thank you so much Kat! You just crack me up! I guess I'm the only that can call you that and get by with it.LOL!
I'm not worried about my G rating, it'll be alright!
Thanks for the smile!

Anonymous said...

my sister is a shamer. I went on vacation with her and my parents. She'll make fun of everything I say, making me feel insecure and small. And she critizes everything I am. We used to live together in the same house, it's a wonder how I managed to survived. And the fun thing is: indeed she is pretending to say those things for my own good. She ridicules the people I hang out with and she's jealous, because I get to take another studies, so that's why she's syaing to my parents that we won't be in college very long anymore. Because she doesn't want me to study, she's jealous that I get something she doesn't. She drains all the money out of my parents by going abroad all the time. She's intimidating.
She's evil.
I first need a day to relax after this holiday